How a month flew so fast I will never know. Where I started this journey is not where I’ve ended up, and that is a lesson I’ve learned this life. It doesn’t matter where you start, the end will not be what you imagined. As we clean out our house to move on to the next phases of our life journey, I am reminded of how truly rich and blessed my life has been. I had an absolutely incredible mom for 40 years, (I feel her around all the time so I know she is still watching over me too.) I had the best friend in Ponch for 13 years, man it was so nice to have someone always so happy to see me. As I started this month honoring their memories, I end this month doing the same, with the new journey on the horizon, and their memory forever in my heart. I’m very excited for what is to come and I thank you for joining me this last month as I put the past way away to begin again – off on this new journey I am.
As new things are around the bend
Cleaning out 40 years of memories today
The emotional tidal wave almost washed me away.
Thinking of all the good times now gone
Reflecting on the day of a new dawn.
New sights, New sounds, New people to meet
One day, I will be back on my feet.
Now as they say all good things must come to an end
Knowing one day I’ll be back with you again.
One thing is for certain – time flies. Before you know it you blink and you are middle aged. The conveyor belt of life reminds me of a popular gameshow; and the game where the yodeler climbs up the hill and then falls off the edge.
This is how I’ve been thinking of life lately as I’ve lost some key players of mine. I picture us all walking up this hill and one day we too will fall off the edge. That thought terrifies me more than most – that my life is probably half over already. It makes me want to savor every moment, it makes me want to truly say how I feel when I’m feeling it, it makes me want to take on everything that I can imagine, and most of all it makes me want to embrace the time I am given with those I love. Before my other loved ones become a memory I must seize this gift and hold on to it for as long as I can. Most of all the passing of time has made me realize one of my favorite quotes is true: that “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away.”
Like the moment I saw my mom breathing in her hospital bed, my soul said to leave her alone with my dad and the pastor, and walking back in she had gone. That is a moment that took my breath away and is one I will never forget.
Seeing how fragile life is in that moment snapped me back to reality. How much time I have wasted and could have been loving her so much more. How I truly didn’t realize what I had, until it was gone. Where has a month gone – where have 40 years gone?
One year ago a new journey started which is not yet complete. Yesterday I was reminded that I did not retreat in defeat.
Though all of the fires of grief rained down on me too, and oh how I suffered, feeling so very, very, very blue – through it all a wish has come true now. The first year of my M.Ed is over.
I realized yesterday when I submitted my last project of the current term, just how strong the human spirit really is. This I did learn.
Whilst dealing with so much tragedy and life upheaval, the human spirit can still carry its torch and run its race. This I did the last year despite all the loss thrown in my face.
While the last year crushed my spirit in so many ways, it reminded me yesterday that there are still to come so many better days. You might be asking yourself how I know of this next phase.
Well, when I submitted that project yesterday my eyes were full of tears. Why? Not because the class was over, but because of the intense pain and sorrow I feel. (With my loves gone the silence is surreal.)
I cry most days, yet at 3am I’m reminded by a little voice in my head how through that pain the human spirit, my human spirit, was led.
I could have easily thrown in the towel – we did lose three family members in the last year after all, but I didn’t – I chose not to fall.
I hope as this new year of my program begins that I never forget the light that’s within. This too shall pass and while I walk into this next year of grad school I know – mom, Ponch, and God will still be watching me grow.
Oh happy day
You are here again
It’s very nice to see you my old friend.
Easter is that time of year
When you are oh so very near.
It’s very hard not to resist
Another bag I must insist.
Spiced, Sparkled, and even Speckled
Another season of being heckled
I simply cannot put you down you see
For Jelly Beans you only come once a year to me.
So once again I am off to enjoy
Again your company I must employ.
Another night all by myself
Trying to enjoy the cards I’ve been dealt
Mom is gone, dog is gone, no knowledge yet of what is to be –
Just trying to hang on to what’s left of me.
When you’re leaving the gen ed classroom to pull a group and a 2nd grader who apparently really likes you a lot, must put a note in your pocket.
True story as it happened today. I was heading for the door and then I hear her little voice say “I have card for you, let me put it in back pocket.” She then attempts to put said note in the back pocket of my jeans. I shout with surprise thank you (and tell her to skip the pocket just put the note with the rest of my traveling classroom tools.)
After a pretty challenging day that included important people just walking by me 6 times without even saying hello, this note brought on the feels. This note reminds me that the most important people often can’t wait to see and talk to you. This note reminds me that the students see me, and that’s all that matters.
If you’re wondering, yes, this is the same young lady who planted a big hug on me the other day and didn’t want to run off to her gen ed teacher when she had come through the door. Happy start of spring break indeed.
Those who know me might say I tend to do too many things at once. Well – signed up for another Internal University course and I might have said yes to working ESY. I can’t help myself I love to teach and grad school does not pay for itself. I have no clue how to swing everything – plus tutoring, moving, and two grad school classes, (plus a state content test for my LBSII) so if you have any ideas please send them on through! I enjoy piling it on – do you?
How quickly the tears flow
I never wanted to let you go
Someone came and took your hand
I don’t think I’ll ever understand
Thank God for the memories
I’ll still have you guys here with me
Living on through a screen.
Thank God for the memories
A saying on my mind today is “it’s not about the quantity, but the quality.” Let me tell you how I came upon this thought today. As most of the people in my life know by now I do not always think positively (or positively hardly at all to be honest). Yet, with my mother and dog dying I’ve really begun to grow into a different version of myself. An example of this happened today. Our 2nd grade general education teacher was out at a training in the AM and so she had a substitute. I, as the LBS who pushes in was also in there this morning. Well, when said teacher came back almost her entire class ran up to greet and hug her, shouting her name as if she was royalty. (I can’t blame them she is pretty awesome.) Anyhow, in that situation old me would have immediately wondered why I didn’t have a fan club like that who couldn’t wait to see me. Fast forward to this afternoon when I replayed the earlier events of the day. Old me was forming a thought about how nobody liked me (wha wha wha) yet new me immediately said, no – students do like you, you just rarely (if ever) think on those thoughts first, before you spiral down a staircase of negativity. Midway through my negative thought my new self replayed the events of writing class (before the 2nd grade teacher returned.) One of the new students who moved into the school recently (and we have built such a nice bond) had come up to my back table where I was helping a few students, sat down, and wanted my help the rest of that writing class (when she really didn’t need it.) When the 2nd grade teacher came back our new kiddo didn’t budge from where she was standing. Well, you might be asking yourself where she was standing…. I had walked to the back counter to tally some behavior data and my new friend had walked up to me and was showing me her drawing that went with her writing. I made her laugh by saying something funny and then told her I would see her tomorrow since I had to leave for my own meeting. Well wouldn’t you know it she then proceeded to grab my legs in the biggest hug and wouldn’t let me go. In walks the 2nd grade teacher and who was still hugging yours truly? The student who always looks at me as I walk in the room. The student who always smiles at me and looks to me for help if she needs it. The student who walks up to me always at recess to say hello. Yeah, I would say the quality, is certainly better than the quantity. I adore this kiddo, and it looks like the feeling is mutual. I’m really going to miss her. So if you ever feel like you don’t matter like I usually do just remember – there is at least one person out there needing a whole lot of you, all of you – because we all matter. It just takes some of us longer to learn it. Welcome new me, it’s nice to meet you.